Merde!

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

today was NOT GOOD! didnt want to come to work as i was so damn sick and tired of the crap dished out by the CEO .... but remembered i had appts fixed and i need to be professional and prompt in my work and still dragged myself to the office.

i believe that reputation and integrity are the 2 most important currencies in the market and no job (not even this one) is worth far more than what i believe in...

thing was...the CEO's PA called me from HK when i was in the office to ask me about updating the CEO and i just lost me head and told her to buzz off and stop giving me grief... and in the next instance, i apologised to her as it was not her fault and told her the updates.

told her that i am at the end of the tether and i do not know if this crap is worth it but she told me to hang in there and that things will be better once the strategy has been executed.

i told her i am busting my guts for the CEO to ensure this is done but it doesnt seem to be enough so if that is the case, he can fire me and go find someone else to do the job... if that is the case....she got the MD on the line and we had a long conf call over this and the MD and PA were both telling me to keep cool about the whole situation and keep at it...

i told them ok and that i will sort this out myself and think things through ...as i also needed to go as i had meetings to go to.

funny thing was after my appt, i decided to walk to the office and i realised that this job may be a test and lesson.... of what NOT to be when you are in upper management, of how to behave with staff, of treating staff with respect, of being honest and leading by examples.... all these came flooding into my mind as i was making my way back to the office .... but the biggest lesson that i learnt was to never become emotional.

i realised what mommy had said ... that i have calmed down a lot since i started on this job, i dont lose my temper as easily, i hold my tongue more and i dont rant and rave as easily (although this happened last nite and today!)

as pogo wisely counselled... look at the big picture!

maybe this is a test God has sent me to mould and change me... and i should just endure ...so as to become rational and sane in the face of extreme adversity and provocation so that maybe...just maybe.. when the time comes when the big picture falls into place, i am ready to face the more difficult challenges and tasks ahead. this job is just a taste of what is to come.....

after rationalising this through on my walk.... i stepped into the office feeling much better and clearer in thought and mind.

heck its the weekend anyway so WTF.... it's time with my precious mommy, elise and eliza!

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

Very Low....

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

this is as low as it can get with my job. the CEO is going bonkers because of the speed (or lackof) that we are executing his plans that he is ranting and raving every single day.

pogo has advised me to remain calm in the face of adversity and to detach myself from all the drama and treat it like a sitcom. so i hv been doing that but the pressure has been unrelenting and the f!#$ have been growing.... to the extent that there were many times when i felt like telling the CEO to shove this job where the sun don't shine and walk...

i hv never lost my head at home as i always believe that what happens in the office STAYS in the office as it is not fair on elise and eliza to come home with a bad mood or sullen look.

this evening was particularly bad as i came home late (again!) from work and after rushing through dinner at my in-laws, we scooted off and as i was driving, i suddenly told mommy i'd had enough of the bullshit and dont know how i can tahan any more...

mommy was silent throughout (bless her!) and she just listened as i went ballistic - funny thing was elise and eliza were very quiet on the journer home.... it was as if they understood the stress and pressure daddy was going through that they didn't fight/scream in the car.

we reached home and i was still feeling pissed when elize decided to pick up this toy that resembled a check-out counter - so it came with numeric pad plus a microphone - and she started yelling into the microphone.

i asked eliza to stop but she continued to yell and at that instant, i almost wanted to whack her and throw the toy against the wall .... but thank God mommy was there and she gave me a look at my temper dissipated. feelings of anger and frustration were replaced by guilt and remorse over what-might-have-been!

i became withdrawn after that for the rest of the evening and after kissing elise and eliza and putting them to bed... i went off and said my prayers. this was when i felt so bad and low as i felt so guilty of what i almost did and would NEVER forgive myself for spanking eliza or elise for anything other than to discipline them.

i dont think i will be able to sleep tonite .... sigh...

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

Elise & Eliza

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

My Fellow Parents....

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

after elise's class, did not go to our fav haunts - toys'R'us or borders - as elise and eliza slept very late last night and woke up early this morning.

came home straightaway and we had a family sleep-in.

woke up in the evening and decided to go to rivervale mall for dinner and all of us went off together.

at the foodcourt, mommy and i shared kway chap while elise and eliza had char siew bao. as we were eating, eliza was sitting comfortably and eating her bao when for some reason, she decided to lean back and as our seats did not have a back rest....the inevitable happened - she flipped and fell.

thank God mommy, who was sitting next to her, dropped he chopsticks to grab eliza and cushioned her fall. eliza still fell to the floor and laid there crying. i instinctively dropped my chopsticks to and went over to see how she was and mommy picked her up and cuddled her.

i smiled at her and assured here everything was ok and asked if it was painful and eliza tearfully said yes and pointed to her head. i was worried but mommy said eliza did not hit the ground hard so it was more of a bump than a thud.

after ensuring eliza was ok, i realised that people around us were staring as if eliza's fall was a sideshow, a spectacle. i felt like standing up and ask " see what? free show? wanna continue seeing? $10 ya?! KNN!" i was mad that people were just watching and no one uttered a word of sympathy or a smile.....

then, a fat ass of a lady remarked to her son "see! this is what happens when you don't behave / when you run around" (i couldn't make out the last few words she uttered). i almost blew my top but thankfully, i decided to bite my tongue and continue with my kway chap.

what did eliza do? she was not misbehaving; she was not running around.... so why use her pain and accident as an example for your own child's lack of manners?

upon reflection, i guess i am guilty too of using accidents involving other kids to drive home a message. it is the way the lesson is communicated:
1. we either blare out like the fat ass of a mother, whose thighs resembled the roasted pork i see hanging at one of the stall, or,
2. we gently tell elise and eliza this is the consequence of an action and say it lovingly.

i mean, isn't it unkind to use another child's accident to teach a lesson and rub it in further? maybe it is because the lesson was derived at the cost of eliza that i am very upset about...but i hope this will also make me more sensitive to other children if there is an accident, as well as empathise with the parents, before i open my mouth like the fat ass woman.

i guess it's in how you say it that has the most impact and lasting impression.

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

Death... and Family

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

was on the way to work this morning when we were behind this lorry... and one of the workers had a shirt "XXXXXX Pte Ltd" and mommy remarked that the boss of this company is a client of LT. the boss had cancer - and it was at an advanced stage before he found out - and passed away recently.

this led to me asking mommy "this reminds me... i better make a will. 25% to me parents, if they are still on God's green earth, and 75% to her, else she gets the lot". then the following conversation took place:
me: "let's say if i get cancer and i go .. do you know what to do?"
mommy: "no"
me: "whaddya mean no? take the money and then go find another guy"
mommy :"...."
me: "you got to be practical man... life throws you a curve ball and you just gotta learnt to handle it"
mommy: "....."
me: "this reminds me... i just asked for an insurance quotation for eliza for $XXXX and this is the premium that will cost me"
mommy: "WHAT?! ... so much?!"
me: "yeah ..."
mommy: "why you need to pay so much for?"
me: "cos its for her education later"
mommy: "even elise is not so much ... you really don't know how to save!"

somehow, that last remark really got me off my rockers and i ranted and raved at mommy:

"whaddya mean "don't know how to save?" i am doing what i am doing precisely because i wanna make sure elise and eliza will have enough to carry on with life....if i am not around!"

"i am a ticking time bomb because of my health situation and hey, i accept my lot and that is why i am busting my guts and work my ass off to earn as much as i can, in the shortest possible period!"

"that is why i take risks, with money, with ventures, with investments....and for what? so that you guys are comfortable when i am gone"

"life has thrown me a curve ball and i am whacking it back!"

we didn't finish the conversation as we pulled up to mommy's office and i dropped her off. i was so damn pissed off that we didn't even say anything to each other.

maybe that's why i am happily married...cos the first thing i do when i reached the office was to IM mommy and apologise to her for my outburst...and mommy said sorry too... and we both agreed that our big picture was elise and eliza. we'll consider the insurance/education plan for both of them together

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

Must-share Incident ... Part Deux

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

this again is an incident involving elise ... but it happened a few weeks back...

i was dropping elise and eliza at the in-laws in the morning, like i usually do before mommy and i go off to work, and elise sits next to me while mommy and eliza were seated behind.

as i pulled up to mom-in-law's place, i said goodbye to eliza and then elise. as elise was going down the car, she said "daddy, daddy.... look at me"

i turned me head to look at her and what greeted me was ... her middle finger..... man! and mommy saw it too. after that, elise ran off happily to my mom-in-law.

i looked at mommy and she looked me ... both of us stayed silent..... and i continued on my drive to work.

i learnt already, it is better to shut-up in times like this ... LOL

plus ... elise's form when she gave me the finger was perfect .... couldn't do it better myself ... with the thumb over the index finger, ring finger and pinky... and the middle finger sticking right out! hehehehe

well... i havent seen it since so .... we'll leave it as that!

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

Must-share Incident.....

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

this happened when elise was 3+ ...

elise was seated next to me in her baby seat while mommy was seated behind ....i was driving along hougang ave 10 when suddenly, an old man dashed across the street and i had to jam my brakes. i uttered the F word softly under my breath when elise suddenly pointed to the old man and said "daddy...f!#ker, f!#ker" i was stunned ... but at the same time wanted to laugh as it was so hilarious coming from a 3-year old's mouth!

mommy didn't see the funny side of things... in fact, she was absolutely livid and began ranting at me going "you see lah, you see what you have done..... such words coming out of elise's mouth". man.... i was trying to keep from roaring with laughter as well as continue driving..

i then shot myself in the foot by saying to mommy "no leh ... i have never used that word, ..maybe the shorter version ...but never this word so don't know where elise learnt it from....." and mommy was like "shorter version??!!" ....

i thought keeping my mouth shut for the rest of the journer home would be the wisest thing to do...

once i reached home, i had a chat with elise:
me: "darling, you know the word you used just now?"
elise: "yes?"
me:" you know...."f!#ker"? .. that is not a nice word so don't use it ok?
elise: "ok"
me: "...at least not when mommy's around ... as there are some major f!#kers around!"

LOL

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

Toys'R'Us & Borders

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen

a couple of posts back, i had said toys'r'us is heaven on earth for kids ... well, i think paradise is just next door and it's called borders!

i have spent the past couple of weekends at the toys'r'us at forum galleria followed by borders at wheelock place.... that elise and eliza are beginning to think its a right! i have learnt that to handle kids, there must never be such a thing as a right or an entitlement! everything should be a privilege.... cos' i believe having elise and eliza learning this from young will make them not to take things for granted as well as to treasure and be grateful for whatever they have ... for both material or immaterial things

so i am very proud to say that wherever we bring elise and eliza, they have never demanded for us to buy something for them, be it a toy or a book (what else right??) there is still the occasional incredible sulk but no tantrums or rolling on the ground if their demands are not met.

i shudder whenever i see parents being held ransom by kids for something ... the screaming, the crying, the jumping, the rolling .....all these to drive the parents to concede defeat and buy the object.

i am blessed in that elise and eliza remember what mommy and i have told them - that tantrums get them nowhere, and worse, no more shopping trips if it happens.... so both elise and eliza have been generally well behaved.

so toys'r'us and borders are still on the itinery on saturdays after elise's class...

in nomine patri, et filii, et spiritui sancto, amen